Adrift… Call the Coastguard!

It was full tide on the River Teign last Saturday morning and the water was brimming the riverbank. I had never seen the water level so high. All the birds on the river looked joyous and the ones on the bank even more so for someone had left meat pies for the swans, the ducks and the geese.

Whilst I was taking photographs of the swans and geese an unmanned boat came into view and drifted gently with the tide that had turned. One swan, rather put out by the loose cannon, darted out of its way and gave it a dirty look from the safety of the riverbank. Thus the boat, in a bid for freedom and great adventure, headed for the mouth of the River Teign and the sea. I was in the process of spoiling the boat’s jolly jape by phoning the Coastguard when the boat became stuck in reeds and grasses.

“Thank you for calling us,” said the man at the helm of the Coastguard switchboard (perhaps excited to have some action on a slow day), “I’ll get someone out there to secure the vessel. You have a nice day!”

The wildlife, no longer concerned by the boat caught in the reeds just past their feeding ground, returned to the water. Feeling somewhat virtuous, I went back to the car and proceeded to have a very nice day shopping.

International Superwomen’s Day?

It was International Women’s Day a week ago on Monday March 7th – my laptop informed me – but I didn’t look into it and just assumed it was a feminist thing which wouldn’t really interest me. Of course inequality to women means quite different things to women of different cultures around the world, and now, having read the ActionAid article by Sarah Carson (B3 amazing women’s groups fighting to end violence), I feel guilty about dismissing the day so lightly.

On a lighter note, it appeared to me that last Saturday was another special day for women, just not ordinary women. The Tesco store at Newton Abbot where we take my mum shopping was full of Superwomen. One Clark (or clerk) used her Xray eyes to scan shopping whilst another filled the flower display in record speed. My mum Betty smiled with a certain confidence when she saw the upstart usurpers – you may remember that she is Supergran and also a super mum!

 

 

Kevin Spacey’s Spanish Doppleganger

“Doesn’t that man look like Kevin Spacey?” I whispered to Chris.

“A bit…” Chris answered (probably not seeing it all).

“A bit? He’s the image of him!” I said in amazement.

It was the very end of our holiday and we were on an early morning train to Malaga Airport. I shouldn’t have been in the least surprised that Chris couldn’t detect the strong likeness because he doesn’t have my particular ability for face recognition (he’s not a portraitist like me). Just to prove my point I took a few sneaky photos of the gentleman.

As you can see there wasn’t quite enough light and it would have helped if the Spanish version of the famous American actor had kept a little more still… And if you struggle to see the likeness from the photographs before cropping and PhotoShopping, look further and note the exact proportions of the face transposed onto the Kevin Spacey photo (possibly a still from the film “House of Cards”). Doesn’t it feel good be right? Olé!

The Happy Workers

To be honest with you I may have looked a bit odd yesterday – cute perhaps, but unusual to say the least; you see I’ve been doing a spot of painting and decorating this week (ever since we returned from our holiday in Nerja, Southern Spain) at my sister Mary’s flat down the road and, of course, you don’t wear your best clothes for messy jobs. Hence I had opted to wear some of my old but colourful clothes – bright orange jogger bottoms (spoilt for normal use by a few drops of blue paint when I painted our railings last year), a pink top with puff sleeves and a yellow flouncy sundress over the top. Before stepping out of the house into the sunshine I donned a pink jacket, my new pink floral knapsack and my new floral sunglasses (the latter two being purchases from one of the cheap Chinese shops in Nerja and well worth every Euro for the smiles and nods of approval that they had attracted).

A few metres from our gate I was greeted by a line of happy workmen who are currently widening the pavement to make a cycle-path (that’s often how we do it in England); the bearded man operating the digger turned and smiled his hello, and three other men with hand tools also stopped and looked up from their work to say “Good morning” as I approached on the other side of the red barriers. I was suddenly struck by the fact that they all wore bright orange trousers and fluorescent yellow/green jackets – not at all dissimilar to my own colour scheme.

“Hey,” I said, glancing down at my outfit, “I match you – I could come and work for you!”

“Yes,” said the tallest man who had lovely dimples and perfect white teeth, “but we wouldn’t get much work done – would we?”

Well, I was rather taken aback, mainly because the young man could not have been more than thirty years old. Of course, I was flattered and after the initial gush I thought for a moment what a good job it was that I’d worn my sunglasses which, aside from being pretty, hide the crows feet around my eyes.

“No we wouldn’t,” I replied (just to let him know that I took his comment as a compliment), “but I must be off as I have painting and decorating to do.”

Four hours later I met the workmen again as I was going home.

“You haven’t been painting,” said the tall young man.

“No,” agreed the old man beside him who must have been in his late forties (it’s all relative), “you’re far too clean!”

“I’m just a good painter,” I laughed, “but I’m sure I have some spots on me.”

“No, we don’t believe it,” they joshed.

“Well look at that,” I said, pointing to a big splodge of white on orange half-way up my thigh.

“Now you’re just teasing us,” grinned the handsome young worker while the older man nodded.

I had to walk by the happy band of workers again this morning (still wore my sunglasses despite a lack of sunshine).

“You’re still teasing us,” they said.

I laughed with them. I, too, still thought it was funny – and I was still wearing those orange pants with the splodge. After a long and busy day of work on the flat there are a few more spots now. I wasn’t teasing – honest!

Do Not Read This if You Come From Basildon!

My brother-in-law Geoff is a bit of a card, which is why people bombard him with lots of funny snippets (well, at least he thinks they are funny!). Unusually, I found this one quite comical.

Hurricane Winston was nothing in comparison!

A major Hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Wednesday with its epicentre in Basildon . Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, as per normal.

The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived.

Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon . One resident – Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, “It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning.”

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Ratners and Bone China from the Pound shop.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after – items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White stilettos
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
KFC
Ice cream
Cans of Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine
£5 buys fags and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**BREAKING NEWS**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut…
“Where are you bleeding from?” they asked,
“Romford” said the girl, “woss that gotta do wiv you?”

Please don’t forward this to anyone living in Essex – oh, sod it, they won’t be able to read it, anyway.

Especially if you know Basildon.

Frozen Windows – A Joke

A man was away on a business trip when he received a text from his frantic wife who, as usual, had stayed behind to look after the fort.

“Windows frozen – can’t open!” wrote the worried wife.

“Pour on a little boiling water and tap gently around the edges with a hammer,” replied the husband in a return text.

A few minutes later the man’s phone cuckooed – it was another text.

“The laptop is really buggered now Darling! Xxxx ”

Thank you for the joke Roly (where does he get them from? )

 

 

 

 

 

Woof Creek

Actually, yesterday’s gorge walk bore not the slightest similarity to the Australian horror film called “Wolf Creek”. Indeed, it was a pleasant walk from the pretty white village of Frigiliana, up in the mountains, down to Nerja by the sea (where we are staying). We walked over heart-shaped rocks on the riverbed and clambered up higher paths to avoid the larger boulders and the dangerous outcrops of rocks that would carry a waterfall in the wet season; and we didn’t meet any murderous madmen – just a concerned Dutch couple who warned that Chris and Geoff wouldn’t be able to go on or get back if they continued their course down the rocky gorge.

Down on the road running along the edge of the lower part of the riverbed we reached an almond grove, and we were admiring the vine-covered entrance when a ferocious dog appeared from behind the gate and barked menacingly at us.

“Woof Creek” said my husband with a smile.

I laughed whilst Geoff looked a bit nonplussed – my brother-in-law may not have heard of “Wolf Creek”, or simply, he may not have heard at all  as he is a tad deaf!  Meanwhile the chihuahua continued to bark until we were out of sight!

If You Like to Chat a Matador…

As yet we haven’t had the opportunity to “Chat a matador” but we have chat a harpist on the Balcon de Europa, (Nerja, Southern Spain), also a wonderful singer (we now have two of his romantic CDs!); and we’ve tried on hats (for fun), replaced my stolen pink knapsack (the thieves must have been disappointed to find only my jacket and jumper inside!), and replaced my old jacket and jumper with more glamorous Spanish ones!

We chatted some fat cats lazing on the Balcon, also a gorgeous little dog that was happy to dance on its hind legs for us. And we happy – like everyone else here (except for the thieves with my old knapsack!) – because it is warm, sunny and beautiful here whilst it is cold and wintry at home. In case you are wondering, “we” are my sister Mary and her husband Geoff, Chris (my better half) and me.

 

 

Spring is Coming – Two More Jokes

Sign outside a garden nursery:

Spring is coming!

I’m so excited I could wet my plants!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One evening a father went to the parent/ teacher meeting at his son’s school.

“So how is my son doing in class?” the man asked his son’s teacher.

“Oh he’s doing really well and he has fitted in fantastically with all the other children; he is a delight to have in the class!” enthused the young teacher.

“That’s great news,” said the proud and happy father.

“But, as far as I can tell… he can’t read or write yet,” the teacher added.

 

(Thank you, Roly, for making us smile this Sunday morning.)

 

 

Down and Out in Paris and London

I was leaving my mum’s place, having just cut her hair, when I was struck by the words written on a piece of slate hanging from a shrub in her garden:

Think deeply,                                                                                                               Laugh loudly,                                                                                                          Be kind,                                                                                                                     And give freely

It made me think of my mother, how kind and thoughtful is, and how those words so aptly apply to the way she lives her life. Then I felt a pang of guilt over something that occurred last week when I was hurrying home one evening; an agitated woman of about forty stopped me and asked for eighty pence.

“Sorry, I haven’t got my purse on me,” I answered, believing it to be true at the time (and grateful to able to answer thus); but, in the time it takes to make two steps, I remembered that my purse was in my knapsack after all and I experienced the first tug of guilt.

“She probably wants it for drink or drugs,” I assuaged myself and carried on walking and thinking.

It had seemed to me that eighty pence was a carefully considered amount to ask for, obviously deemed to appear not too much – less than a pound, which sounds a pittance – and yet, almost a pound, which still has some value. The woman had turned away sharply at my response – any hint of good manners had gone and her eyes darted around for the next person to badger; I was nothing to her but a soft touch. Never-the-less, I regretted not going back with my purse.

Walking home from my mother’s house my thoughts moved on to the audio book “Down and Out in Paris and London” by George Orwell, to which I had been listening yesterday afternoon whilst I painted morning glory (the blue convolvulus that grows wild and profusely in my homeland of Australia). I cried and laughed (there is always wry humour to be found in dire circumstances) through the account of Orwell’s own experience of poverty.

Still deep in thought about toerags (the rags that hobos put between their toes to prevent them from rotting, apparently – didn’t know that until yesterday!) I reached the main road which runs past our terrace and which still has traffic lights holding up the traffic because of the new cycle-path being constructed. The oncoming cars were at a standstill while the left-hand lane was moving. Suddenly my reverie was rudely interrupted by a loud wolf whistle. Startled, I nearly jumped out of my skin and looked across the road – one of my handsome old admirers was driving by with his window down. I laughed, as did the truck driver stuck behind the red light, and the old couple in the car behind him. Just as I reached our gate another smiling face behind a steering wheel blew me kisses – Ashley Thorn (as Scarlet O’hara would have said in her Southern drawl, “Oh Ashley, Ashley, I love you!”) – one of the nicest men you could meet. With much merriment I returned his kisses with exaggerated gestures (I do love him… in the right way!) and the people in the two cars behind him laughed.

As I walked in through my studio entrance my mind went back to the lady who had asked for eighty pence and it dawned on me what to answer if anybody ever asks again for such a paltry amount…

“Is eighty pence enough?”