Meanwhile in Australia…

It’s a funny old thing when a very English friend, in England in the winter, sends you an amusing list of what it’s like to be in Australia when it’s hot (especially as I’m in Australia in the heat). Although, in truth, it hasn’t been all that hot really and, yes indeed, I have seen plenty of people in long sleeves when it was a bit breezy (but still at thirty degrees Centigrade!). I smiled and nodded to myself as made my way down the list. Now I’m off to bed. The temperature is only 22.5C at present so I shall definitely be needing the duvet (doona = Aussie term) on tonight!

Thank you David for sending this…

Meanwhile in Australia

You Know It’s Hot In Australia When!

1) The best parking spot is determined by shade not distance

2) Hot water comes out of both taps

3) You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron

4) The temperature drops below 32c and you feel chilly

5) You discover that in January and February it only takes two fingers to steer a car

6) You discover you can get sunburnt through your windscreen

7) You develop a fear of metal door handles

8) You break a sweat the instance you step outside at 7am

9) Your biggest bicycle accident fear is “What if i get knocked out and end up lying on the road and getting cooked”

10) You realise asphalt has a liquid state

11) Farmers are feeding there chickens crushed ice to prevent them from laying hard boiled eggs

12) The trees are whistling for dogs

13) While walking back barefoot to your car from any event, you do a tightrope act on the white lines in the carpark

14) You catch a cold from having the aircon on full blast all night long

15) You learn that Westfield Shopping Centre’s aren’t just Shopping Centre’s, they are temples to worship Air-Conditioning

16) Sticking your head in the freezer and taking deep breaths is considered normal

17) A cup full of ice is considered a great snack

18) A black out is life threatening because your aircon and your fans no longer work.

19) No one cares if you walk around with no shoes on

20) You keep anything in the fridge, including potatoes, bread and clothing

21) People have enough left over beer cans to make a boat and compete in a regatta. (S.A joke)

22) The effort of towelling yourself off after a shower means you need another shower right away.

23) You will wait patiently until the day it starts raining to go on a run.

24) You worry your ceiling fan is spinning so fast it will fly off and Kill You

25) You Laugh because this list is so accurate

Meanwhile In Australia.

In the Spa!

In the Spa!

Brush With a Prince

Well I don’t know if he was a prince or not but he was certainly too small to be a king… However, I didn’t fancy putting him to the test in the customary way… You see I just wasn’t expecting to meet him. I wasn’t prepared. You could say I was rather shocked even.

At the time of our surprise meeting I was packing up my art paraphernalia (on the move again – to Bill and Lita’s at Tingalpa, Brisbane); I picked up my brush bag and put my hand inside to open the bag… My hand felt something cold and clammy. I jumped. He jumped. I screamed and he croaked. The prince made a dash to the garden hose where he stopped, breathless, to gain his composure and have a little think about what was going on (obviously it wasn’t going to plan). He didn’t like the shrill edge to my voice, or the click of my phone camera, and he jumped behind the outside drinks fridge. Neither did he enjoy being prodded by a long stick, but I wanted to check him out.

I doubt very much that he was a prince (they are usually green and clammy rather than brown, clammy and warty – aren’t they?). I noticed that he eyed me up and down before hopping across the width of the verandah to the edge of the foundations where he found a hole and disappeared. I expect he had wished that a hole would appear to swallow him up, especially after realising that I was no fairy-tale princess!

And last but not least… A very Happy, Healthy and Prosperous New Year to you!

The Remarkable Scales

Charis has some remarkable scales. Oddly enough, she keeps them in Gregory and Sally Peck’s bedroom….

“Well, I guess you do have to watch the weight of your pets,” I said to myself, “it’s so easy to overfeed them when you love them so much.”

All the same, I didn’t fancy risking the sharp beaks of my fine-feathered friends by getting them out of their cages and standing them on the scales – they would have to take a break from “Lorikeet Weight Watchers” this week while I’m house-sitting (after all, it is Christmas). And truthfully, the scales looked more appropriate for human use which is why I thought I would brace myself for any shock and stand on them myself.

Now we all know that most scales these days are so newfangled that you have to have a manual to work out how to use them (and even then you don’t believe they are correct) but these ones belonging to Charis take the cake. It’s not a case of first tapping twice with your foot to activate before standing on fully (then repeating it several times until it does work); no, Charis’s are much easier than that for they have a button to press – and you can’t miss it because the button is lit up with a picture of a house on it (maybe for people the size of a house?).

I stood beside the scales and pressed the start button. Hey presto! The scales began to move! The machine had a mind of its own. It dove under one bird cage, came out, went back in, then out again and under the other cage. Gregory and Sally Peck were as bemused as I was and squawked a bit but refrained from saying “Of course I love you” (as they did yesterday morning).

It seemed to us (I think I can safely speak for the Pecks, both cats – Archer and Sterling – and me) that the scales were starving hungry and searching for food. It made a beeline for the dried cat-food dispenser, tried to push it over, unsuccessfully, but succeeded only in pushing the fancy canister off its rubber mat and rejecting a few old morsels that had got away. A strip of magnetic tape prevented the scales making their escape from bedroom to kitchen and, none-the-less deterred in its quest for food, the keen machine set about mounting the cats’ wet-food bowls. The remnants of tinned cat food in the bowls were untouched (obviously the smell was enough to put off even a hungry set of bathroom scales from a bird bedroom) and the scales advanced towards me…

Of course they didn’t get me (I’ve always been rather good at avoiding bathroom scales) and now the scales have fallen from eyes I can tell you that the machine is actually a robot hoover. But where is the rubbish held? Now that’s a mystery on a different scale!

Boxing Day Blues

A marvellous Christmas Day was had by all at Charis’s house, where I am house-sitting currently in Seventeen Mile Rock (I know, what a funny name for a suburb of Brisbane, Australia!). Would you believe that Rudolph the reindeer turned up, minus his red nose but with rose pink hair (he’s such a deer!)? Then, of course, there was Merry Lorelle, who wore a cute festive red apron while she and I prepared the roast dinner; and, good sport that she is, Merry Christmas didn’t object when presented with a black Afro wig to wear under her tiara. (specially designed with her name on it). Like Merry, I was wearing red shorts and an identical tiara – but without the red feather. Santa rolled up at twelve-thirty and the day got into full swing, in particular, when the little deer took on the role of disc jockey.

Instead of wearing big black boots, evidently, Father Christmas had changed into summer snow shoes; and he wore red shorts trimmed with white fur (for the expected authenticity). Likewise, his coat was made for a Christmas party in Queensland, therefore it was short-sleeved and worn without a modest thermal vest beneath (and it barely covered his brown stomach).

We were grateful we had opted for roast pork rather than roast turkey, if not only because no-one had thought to buy a turkey but also because the little deer was nursing what we first believed to be a duckling back to health (after it had been mauled the previous night by Archer the cat – one of my current charges). Sadly, the baby brush turkey (notorious, but protected, in these parts for scratching around and ruining gardens) died during the course of the afternoon and the tiny brown bird was laid to rest near the fence at the bottom of the back yard.

“Perhaps it’s for the best,” Merry Christmas consoled Rudolph, “Charis may not have wanted her plants dug out… and I certainly wouldn’t!”

Nevertheless we were sorry for the mite that had flown but once in his short life – when he had fallen from Rudolph’s knee to the ground.

“At least he experienced flying,” said the deer wistfully.

At length it was time for some good things to come to an end. Merry Christmas had far to go – back up t’North Coast – and Rudolph accompanied her like the good deer he is. Finally Santa, also had “fish to fry” (or catch, perhaps) and continued on his merry way with a “Ho, ho, ho…” (to his own patch of garden?). And I was all alone…

And yet, I wasn’t completely alone. I had slept with a ginger male (everything has been red this Christmas!) who had been content to bask in my company all night and lapped up every stroke and touch; he was still on the bed as the light of dawn permeated through the curtain. A crow cawed outside and I awoke to find the familiar furry body snuggled against my thigh. I stretched my hand down to find him. He licked me. A siren sounded, long and deep, which was followed by the barking of a nearby dog – “For Christ sake shut up!” the barker seemed to say. For what seemed several minutes the siren kept howling… and then I realised that it was howling.

After hours of housework, and feeling so alone on Boxing Day, I considered going to Lone Pine Koala Sanctuary (not far from Seventeen Mile Rock) but decided I would not enjoy it enough on my lonesome ownsome to justify the $36 entry fee. Instead, I went for a walk to discover the local nature corridor behind the fence – Santa had said that it might lead to the Brisbane River. I couldn’t have been out for much more than thirty minutes – it wasn’t a long corridor after all – and I ended up in a cul-de-sac. Kookaburras laughed on the boughs of distant gums while I returned home, even more lonely, with stomach-ache.

I was somewhere “between a (seventeen mile) rock and a hard place”, not wishing to be a burden on anyone – wishing I was home with Chris in England. Ginger stretched seductively on the rug and I stroked his head. It didn’t do “it” for me this time. The pet lorikeets heard my feet on the floor as I passed their room and they catcalled. We chatted nonsense – none of us understood – but I felt I understood their need to speak, especially on Boxing Day. The telephone rang and I said some more nonsense.

“What’s up with you?” Santa asked.

“It’s just that it’s the first time I’ve ever been on my own on Boxing Day,” I complained.

I looked out the window as we spoke and I noticed a crowd of crows in the garden, down by the fence… down where the baby brush turkey had been laid to rest.

Nevertheless, by the end of the conversation I was smiling again. Then I phoned Chris. He was up and had already shaved and had breakfast. He had to get ready for Boxing Day visitors – our middle daughter and her boyfriend. Chris was glad I had called. I phoned Lorelle (Merry) and she quite understood why I’d been feeling blue on Boxing Day (girl friends always do).

Finally, I went in to chat to the birds again and I was feeling confident that we were becoming friends. While I was talking, and replenishing their food supplies, Gregory Peck bit me – hard enough to draw blood – but I didn’t scold him; he is just a lonely bird who talks nonsense and enjoys having a peck sometimes.

 

A New Meaning to Candy Floss

“You look tasty,” I said to myself. At the time I was making my way to the counter at the “Discount Store” in the Hyperdome at Loganholme, Brisbane (where, for the princely sum of  $9, I was about to buy a nice wig for Lorelle, my childhood friend, to wear during our Christmas day party – hope she will like it!). Actually, I wasn’t talking about myself when I thought, “You look tasty” (in case you’re wondering); I was looking at a big bag of some of my favourite lollies from childhood. Now it’s not that they are exactly the most delicious lollies (or sweets, or candies – if you’re not from these here parts) in the world… but they are just about the most fun to eat. So I bought the bag for $2 (a bargain, only from the Discount Store) and I couldn’t resist opening them before even making it outside to the car park.

A sweet little girl saw me open the packet as I waited for Roland to come out of the ‘gents’ and she didn’t take her eagle eyes off of me – she knew what I was going to do… she willed me on… And Roland smiled when he laid eyes on me. And the little girl laughed into her hand up at her mouth. I gave her three winks as I passed her – I couldn’t talk because my mouth was well and truly full.

A bit later, after we had arrived at my brother Bill’s in Tingalpa, I was about to sit down with all the men out in the garden (my younger brother Henry, too, was there and also Rob and Ross, Bill’s friends) when I decided to bring out the old favourites.

“Want one of these?” I asked, offering the bag of lollies to Rob. Overjoyed, he went to take one and I added, “But if you take one you must put it on properly!”

He still took it. Ross took one also… and Bill. They kindly posed for photos and seemed not to object when I admitted that the shots would be broadcast around the world on my blog. Have you guessed what kind of lollies I bought? See if you are right….

Basics for Survival on an Island Called Coochiemudlo

It’s rather exciting to leave the mainland and head for a beautiful island – isn’t it? For those of you who are slightly nervous of anything out of the ordinary, here are some helpful hints to island survival (especially off the coast of Brisbane, Australia).

Firstly, you must be armed with a new pistol (only available on the mainland… priced very reasonably at all IGA stores). Be prepared to jump on the nearest available water transport, preferably the big blue barge, seeing as it’s more of an adventure to travel with vehicles (and cheaper!). But do not expect friendly banter from an old man in a wheelchair (not if he is engrossed in a book, anyway).

Learn to swim before embarking on your island incursion; failing that, do not wade out too far (and take off your best shorts as the water is tidal). Also, whilst on the beach take the opportunity to learn how to load your pistol and work out which way to hold the pistol (thumb on the trigger is not advisable).

Do not be frightened when one hundred chooks and ducks make a beeline for you as soon as you open the gates to the land of purple and pink railway carriages – the birds think you are bringing food (next time bring some stale bread). By all means observe large furry animals in cages but keep your gun handy…

Eat what the natives eat – there are plenty of ice-creams at the kiosk or at Red Rock Cafe – and do what the locals do (they seem to love swings, slides and jungle gyms – or is it Jungle Jim’s?).

By the way, as you will see from the photographs, it helps if you’re only three…

A Bird in Your Ear

Roland really is a bird-man (not like the one in the miserable film called “Birdman” which I saw on the plane – well, I didn’t like it); no, our friend doesn’t attempt to fly but he is beloved by the bird population of Belivah, Brisbane.

A mother magpie with her chick (which sounds like Sweep from the old “Sooty” show) calls around at breakfast time for tidbits of bacon rind, and then again at dinner time for steak fat or chicken gristle (umm, lovely!). No bomb-diving from this attentive mother – she knows which side her bread is buttered. Throughout the day they don’t fly far from their beautiful woodland home – they flit happily from one shady bough to another, walk on the lawn or cool down in their special bath.

In the afternoon a butcher bird first sunbathes on the railings, then he flies through the open verandah and onto the boughs of the white frangipani tree; Roly knows the butcher bird’s antics and the butcher bird waits for the bird-man to respond. He goes to the fridge and finds a bite-sized morsel, prepared earlier, and throws it to the waiting recipient. The butcher bird catches the meat in his beak and Roland smiles to himself.

The rainbow and scaly-headed lorikeets descend in a huddle on the outside table where some stale bread, softened with water, looks delicious; then a pair, very much in love, fly off for some privacy in the perfumed boughs of the frangipanis… Roland calls them “the lovebirds”.

The Gift

Today is Saturday and it’s raining. Roland and I have come to Beenleigh (Brisbane southside) for a spot of shopping. My dear old friend (well he is over four years older than me) steers his car into the lane that will take us to the underground parking area.

“If I was driving I would park outside,” I say.

“But it’s raining,” responds Roland.

He loves that new car of his. I can’t bring myself to give voice to my objections. To me, subterranean parking is always a last resort; I’m not a mole or one of those potholing types – dark confined places are anathema to me – but I keep this to myself.

“Phew, the air is hot down here – I can hardly breathe!” I blow my disdain.

Roland appears not to notice either the oppressive heat, or my reaction to it, and I keep puffing and blowing as we walk to the doors that lead to the escalators. There is a hubbub of activity ahead. We join the crowd in front of the glass doors and a young woman bearing a box approaches me.

“Happy Christmas!” she says, offering me the box.

“What is it?” I ask.

“A Christmas present,” she beams.

“Do I have to pay for it?” I ask warily (like Scrooge).

“No, it’s just a present.”

“What’s the catch?” I let my thoughts become words.

“No catch, we just want people to have a happy Christmas,” she smiles with a charming frankness.

“Thank you”. I accept the gift and give the girl a kiss on the cheek.

“The ‘Centrocentre’ is a church,” Roland says under his breath.

Some time later we return to the doors at the bottom of the escalators. The crowd is still there but this time we are greeted by a girl holding a piece of hot pizza on a paper napkin. I am still carrying the unopened gift-box in my left hand.

“Hot pizza?” she offers.

“Thank you – I’m starving.” By now accustomed to the kindness of these strangers, I accept the treat without question, as does Roland.

All the while that the box has been in my hand I have been wondering about the contents, also the motivation. I was struck by the look of genuine warmth in those brown eyes and the broad smile… I think I can guess what is in the box – a prayer book would be too expensive – it has to be food.

Back in Roland’s kitchen at Belivah I cannot contain myself – I open the box before I put the shopping away. The box is a hamper filled with all sorts of nourishment:- staple food in the form of noodles; something sweet and something savoury – biscuits and crisps; a packet of Lipton’s English Breakfast teabags and a soft-drink; something to amuse – rubber bands for making bracelets – and something to read (an invitation to the Christmas service and a welcome to their  “Do Drop in Shop”, for clothing, food parcels and counselling); and there is even a Christmas card.

We have eaten the biscuits and now I’m having a cup of Lipton’s English Breakfast tea. I have put the Christmas card on the hallway table and, as I write this blog post, I am thinking about the gift… For some reason “CentroCare” chose the underground car park as their venue… I’m glad Roland didn’t want to park his expensive new car in the rain. It’s all about goodwill – isn’t it?

 

 

 

 

 

A Dog’s Dinner

Actually, yesterday’s visit to Vanessa and Kendall’s house wasn’t a dog’s dinner in any sense – we had a lovely afternoon tea of cheeses and biscuits – but Roland’s sister and her daughter happen to have four dogs between them… Hector, the young Staffordshire opportunist, amused us by taking his place at the table whenever a chair became vacant. His antics did him no good (except to draw attention to himself), whereas Boris’s more subtle tactic of leaning against my leg and licking my foot was a tad more successful. Ssh…

The Curious Case of the Mysterious Shoe at Midday

In itself, there is nothing too odd about finding discarded items of clothing and shoes on Australian roads (those Aussies are a sexy lot!), but usually the shoes are broken thongs or a pair of sand-shoes (more often than not, tied together and thrown over the electricity lines); therefore, I was intrigued whilst out cycling yesterday to find a single black lace-up shoe on the side of the road and a black sock in the middle of the road. Why just one sock and shoe? Was the owner a one-legged man? A passing motorist was similarly intrigued to see a woman photographing a black sock in the middle of the road…

“Are you alright?” asked the concerned fellow.

“Oh yes,” I looked up surprised, “I’m just taking a photograph of this mysterious sock and that missing shoe over there.”

“It probably fell off a Ute,” he said smiling, “I saw your bike on the side of the road and you in the middle of road and I was worried.”

“Don’t worry,” I said, “but thank you for stopping.”

We smiled at each other for a second or two and then, without any excuse for chatting longer, the driver bade goodbye and drove off. It’s heartening to know that you can always count on an Aussie male to help a damsel in distress.

In truth, it was rather late in the morning to out cycling, especially on a  very hot day, which is why I had lathered myself with hypoallergenic sunscreen. I was keen to discover somewhere in the area, other than the Albert River, as a cycling destination; Roland had suggested there might be some cycle-paths around Windaroo, a couple of kilometres from here down the main busy road. Happily, I didn’t get hit by any big trucks or speeding cars even though the cycle lane had a tendency to run out just at the most dangerous points. In fact, I must have been looking very happy when I arrived safely at Windaroo Lakes Golf Course because a Japanese golfer in a cowboy hat said:

“Ah so, you look so happy!”

“I am happy,” I said (little did he know about the cause of my happiness).

Within a few minutes the three Japanese golfers, having finished on one green (it’s not a huge golf course), passed by me again.

“Are you following me?” I joked.

“I think you so happy, if I see you again, I catch happiness from you,” my cowboy friend joked back.

“He happy because he the winner!” informed one of the other two Japanese golfers.

A little later I saw the trio again – this time I was catching up with them.

“Are you still winning?” I called.

“No, he winning,” the cowboy pointed to the smaller man in the baseball cap and check shirt.

The new ‘Number One’ approached me, smiling. I think he may have thought I brought him luck.

“You look very energetic,” he said, “look like sexy guy!”. And his shoulders did a dance from side to side to show his appreciation.

I shrugged my own shoulders (in a figurative sense) and laughed to myself as I watched the figure of my oriental admirer (under the blue parasol) pressing on to join his pals.

Something hit my helmet as I cycled homeward on the busy road. And yet again. The same mother magpie bomb-dived me four times and I had to put on a spurt to get out of there quickly. The sweat dripped from my brow and my eyes smarted. I could hardly see – I was going blind… Then my nose streamed… Thank goodness… it was just the hypoallergenic sunscreen lotion – not so hypoallergenic after all. The cycle-lane ran out and became a gravelly hard shoulder. Barely able to see, I dismounted to wipe my stinging eyes…

What do you think I saw? Right before me on the hard shoulder was the other black shoe and just up the road a short way was the other black sock. Case solved. He (whoever ‘he’ was) hated those hot thick socks and heavy shoes!