I expect you know the old joke:

“Do you know the piano is on my foot?”

“You hum it and I’ll play it!”

I seem to remember some chimpanzees, dressed as removal men, coming out with that one in the PG Tips tea advert many years ago. We all thought it was funny then. Funny how it doesn’t seem so hilarious now. I wouldn’t have mentioned it at all if it hadn’t been for a film called “The Piano”, which we watched tonight. You’ll think I’m becoming a self-professed film critic after my recent blog about “The Pianist” but it just so happened that the two were linked by the similar titles and people who enjoyed my blog about the latter recommended that I see the former. Chris is very quick off the mark when there is a suggestion of a good film and the DVD arrived in the post this morning .

“The Piano” is a rather strange and dark, yet beguiling, movie with quite a few worrisome things going on, not least because our heroine was a peculiar Scottish mute (for no apparent reason, unless I missed it because I couldn’t understand the accents) who was sent to New Zealand with her precocious daughter to marry a man (Sam Neil) she had never laid eyes on before. And she brought with her a piano which, being too cumbersome to heave through the muddy forest, was left on a beach at the mercy of the tides.

There were some holes in it – the settlers didn’t clear the trees around their houses and the piano hadn’t suffered from the ravages of the sea (and a piano tuner was on hand) – but if you managed to cast aside such concerns you could enjoy the piano playing and the hole in our leading lady’s stocking, just as Baines (Harvey Keitel) did! I had no idea that Harvey Keitel had a physique of rippling muscles worthy of sculpting but soon I had the feeling he would not be shy to bare all. My pleasure would not have been diminished by a corner of sheet or a pair of underpants.

I was also pleased to learn that I was spot on in recognising Ada as the actress Holly Hunter (from “The Firm”) although she looked completely different with black hair and no clothes on.

Did Ada know the piano was on her foot? Or rather, that the rope would catch around her foot and take her down with the piano? Did the piano take her voice? Did the husband let true lust love take its course? Did Ada grow another finger? Did the rain stop, the mud dry and the sun come out for a happy ending? I’m sorry, I won’t spoil it for you – you’ll just have to “ho hum” or see it for yourself.