Are you envious of the actress Angelina Jolie? Are you unhappy with your lips? Are they thin and undesirable? Have they shrunk over the years? (Oh, let’s not talk about shrinking, not after my worries aired in my last post!). Is your upper lip lined and unsightly? No, me neither (just stressing the point!).

Nevertheless, sadly, the latest fashion is for huge lips and caterpillar eyebrows… Now fashionable eyebrows present no problem for those with weedy little eyebrows – a spare half hour, a paintbox and a mascara brush will transform insignificant eyebrows into mighty black caterpillars (I’ve seen the “Wunderbrows” advert on the Internet!), or you can have them tattooed on with indelible ink. As for lips… well, that’s a different matter. I expect you’ve tried crushed hot chili preparations but I suspect they just make your lips burn. I believe the answer is expensive injections but if you’re too poor, or mean, or squeamish… or you can’t justify spending hundreds on your lips when there are millions of hungry people in the world…. and you don’t like to think of yourself as being vain… there is another way.

A couple of days ago, whilst I was stood at my easel painting Charlee the cat for my friends Janine and Brad, I was bitten by a very crafty little insect. So clever was it that I didn’t feel a thing – until I felt my lower lip growing. It grew and grew until it was about three times its normal size and, fearing that it might burst, I took an antihistamine tablet. Suddenly, I didn’t want to look like Angelina Jolie anymore and, in truth, I looked nothing like her – that would have required more than one insect bite – mine was on only the one side. I looked like Quasimodo (as portrayed by Charles Laughton in the 1939 version of “The Hunchback of Notre Dame”). Now it’s returned to normal and, chastened by the experience, I’m exceedingly happy with my normal-sized lips.

And if you’re interested, below you will see a photo of my painting of Charlee.