It’s rather exciting to leave the mainland and head for a beautiful island – isn’t it? For those of you who are slightly nervous of anything out of the ordinary, here are some helpful hints to island survival (especially off the coast of Brisbane, Australia).

Firstly, you must be armed with a new pistol (only available on the mainland… priced very reasonably at all IGA stores). Be prepared to jump on the nearest available water transport, preferably the big blue barge, seeing as it’s more of an adventure to travel with vehicles (and cheaper!). But do not expect friendly banter from an old man in a wheelchair (not if he is engrossed in a book, anyway).

Learn to swim before embarking on your island incursion; failing that, do not wade out too far (and take off your best shorts as the water is tidal). Also, whilst on the beach take the opportunity to learn how to load your pistol and work out which way to hold the pistol (thumb on the trigger is not advisable).

Do not be frightened when one hundred chooks and ducks make a beeline for you as soon as you open the gates to the land of purple and pink railway carriages – the birds think you are bringing food (next time bring some stale bread). By all means observe large furry animals in cages but keep your gun handy…

Eat what the natives eat – there are plenty of ice-creams at the kiosk or at Red Rock Cafe – and do what the locals do (they seem to love swings, slides and jungle gyms – or is it Jungle Jim’s?).

By the way, as you will see from the photographs, it helps if you’re only three…