With all the noise and lights blazing down on the sea wall of late I haven’t been sleeping too well, and I have a headache, so how about a good joke? Well, I think it’s funny. This is another one from Diana’s After-Dinner joke book…

In a National Hunt race at Aintree, a jockey takes a nasty fall and breaks his collarbone before a highly important race. The trainer hurriedly employs the services of an old pro who is a little past his sell-by date. In briefing the the old pro about his horse, the trainer insists that the jockey must assist the horse over the jumps by yelling, ‘1-2-3 jump!’ as he approaches each fence. He assures him that the horse has a great chance of romping away with first place provided the jockey follows his orders.

The old jockey mounts the horse and canters down to the starting line. He is sceptical about the trainer’s orders and fears that the other jockeys will laugh at him if they hear him saying ‘1-2-3 jump!’ before each obstacle; he is sure they would think he had lost it!

The race begins and the horse rapidly builds up a lead of two lengths prior to the first jump. As they come into it, the jockey decides to ignore the 1-2-3 bit and the horse bulldozes straight through the fence, nearly unseating the rider in the process. The same thing happens with the next two fences, in spite of the tugs on his bridle. There are bits of twig and leaves now hanging off both horse and rider, and most of the field have passed him by. Other jockeys are shouting derisively as they stride past. The old pro is feeling that he’s been given a rum ride as the horse crashes through yet another fence. Now four lengths adrift at the back and with only five fences to go, he thinks he has nothing to lose by trying the stupid ‘1-2-3 jump!’ And lo and behold, the horse sails over over the fence so smoothly that he has already closed the gap with the horse ahead.

The jockey thinks, “Well blow me down, if this works I may save my reputation in the weighing room afterwards”. Next jump, ‘1-2-3 jump!’ and he sails over again. Only three to go and he’s past the two back markers. Next jump, ‘1-2-3 jump!’ and he’s in the middle of the pack; one more jump and he’s running third, and going like a train. The other jockeys are shouting at him but he’s ignoring their taunts. The last fence; ‘1-2-3 jump!’ and he’s over, neck and neck with the leader. It’s a two furlong run to the finish and his horse is flying. Over the line nearly two lengths ahead and he’s feeling elated, despite the bits of twig still stuck under the saddle.

The owner and trainer meet him in the unsaddling enclosure.

“What the hell did you think you were doing?” the trainer yells. “That was the most dreadful exhibition of jockey-ship I’ve ever seen. You didn’t talk him over the fences at the beginning.”

“The horse couldn’t hear me,” he lies.

“The horse isn’t deaf, he’s blind!” says the trainer.