The Wrong Doctor

A woman went to her doctor’s surgery. The surgery was so busy that morning that she was unable to make an appointment with her usual doctor and had to see another, younger, male doctor instead.

Four minutes into the consultation (and examination) the lady burst out screaming and, hysterical, she ran down the hallway past the various consultation room doors. Hearing the hullabaloo, her own old doctor opened his door and stopped her in her tracks.

“What’s the problem my dear?” he asked (Australian doctors are very nice like that.)

He led her into another room and sat her down to calm her; and he held the lady’s hand while, in-between sobs she told her story. The kindly older doctor listened intently and, when he had heard enough, he marched down the hallway to where the newly qualified young doctor was writing on a clipboard.

“What is the matter with you?” demanded the old doctor, “That lady is seventy-one years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren – and you told her she was pregnant?”

The younger doctor continued writing and, without even looking up, said cockily:

“Nevertheless, it cured her of her hiccups!”

The Virgin and the Priest

A mature woman was talking to her priest about her forthcoming wedding.

“Oh Father,” she said, “I’m so nervous.”

“Now dear,” Father O’Riley began, “every bride-to-be is nervous before her wedding, but it’s not to say that this is your first – is it?”

“No Father, this will be my fourth,” she said a little coyly.

“Well, there you go – you’re fourth! – then why you should be so nervous?”

“I hardly know how to tell you Father…” she lowered her eyes.

“For goodness sake, you can tell me anyt’ing. Now why are you so worried?”

“Father, how am I going to tell my new husband that I’m still a virgin?” she appealed.

“A virgin? Are you sure? Child, you’ve been married for many years to t’ree different men; now tell me, how can you still be a virgin?”

“Well Father, I’ll explain. My first husband was a psychologist and all he wanted to do was talk about it; husband number two was in construction – he always said he would ‘get to it tomorrow’; and the third was a gynecologist…”

“Surely…?” interjected the priest.

“All he did was look,” the woman shook her head, “but this time, Father, I’m marrying a lawyer so I am pretty sure that I’m going to get screwed!”