My body says:

“Thanks for losing those five pounds but that’s quite enough. Now that we’re slim why can’t we eat banana cake?”

My voluptuous body is deluded, of course; it thinks we live in Tonga.

After two weeks of “plateau” – neither up nor down despite the rigors of Dr Dukan’s protein diet (no fruit) – I decided to “take the bull by the horns” and last evening Ma Homet (or Porch, in this case) went up to the mountain, the mountain being the long steep hill up Sandy Lane to the Leisure Centre. The Leisure Centre is something of a misnomer – far from being a place to enjoy one’s leisure (time when one is not working or occupied; free time, spare time, spare moments, time to spare, idle hours, time off, freedom, holiday, respite, relief, ease,peace, quiet, recreation, relaxation, inact-ivity, amusement, entertainment, pleasure,diversion, distraction, fun, games, fun and games), it is the hub of arduous activity.

Take last night for example, I dragged my recalcitrant body along for what I thought was to be an hour of gentle Pilates; imagine the nasty shock when the receptionist informed, “That’s Thursday, Wednesday is ‘Bums, Tums and Thighs’ night” (the most vigorous of exercise classes bar circuit training). The instructress, thrilled to see a newcomer, came over immediately for a signature – she liked to keep track of her numbers. Without a sports bra, the “Keep it low if you prefer” option was heeded. The youngest member of the class, a twenty-year-old with a lovely bottom, goose-stepped rather than marched during lulls and I’ve taken that on board for future reference.

After an hour of constant bending, skipping, and jumping (albeit ‘low’) my body, rather than feeling enervated and sapped, was surprisingly stimulated; so much so that I had a sudden urge to enter the gym and spend twenty-five minutes on a cross-country machine at “Fat Burner” setting. The machine took a dictatorial stance and kept announcing in red lights “Slow down, the machine will adjust for heart rate reduction” (or something like that). My body said, “Nanny state!”

This morning Chris and I went for a lovely bike ride to Cockwood (after he fixed my flat tire); the tide was out – one of the old boating men of Cockwood said, “It was full a minute ago but someone pulled the plug. If you wait a while it’ll be back in…” But we didn’t stay because I was eager to get back to the Leisure Centre and –  who knows?- nice Brian might be there to make it a little less boring.

It was a bit boring on the cross-country machine (at ‘Fat Burner’ setting) and even on the rowing machine at I don’t know what setting (because I didn’t have my glasses) – everyone was too busy to chat. On the big screen girl singers, who all sounded the same to me, provided the necessary beat for regular exercise (glad it wasn’t River Dance or the machine would have gone into overdrive with warnings and red lights!) whilst I preferred to look out through the glass walls at the green fields and the sea in the distance. And then I went for a swim to cool down. Funny how fast some of those old people can swim, even in the slow lane.

What a surprise when I came out from the changing room – Brian was at reception.

“Want a piece of banana cake?” he tempted, “I cooked it myself!”

“Just a small bite because I’m on a diet and health kick,” I helped myself.

The cake was light, not too sweet and delicious. (Brian is an excellent baker – perhaps he’s in training for the “Great British Bake-off”.)

My starved and tired body said:

“Thank you!”

And in a short while I shall mosey over to the Leisure Centre for some gentle Pilates…