It gets more and more difficult to lose weight as the years pass by – doesn’t it? Sometimes you feel like tossing out the scales (or hiding them) and enjoying life. “What’s wrong with being a bit chubby?” you ask yourself. Nothing, but then, having spurned the scales for a few weeks, you find that your big clothes are becoming less comfortable. You wonder why your clothes have shrunk. Did you put them on to wash at boil setting? (No, but your husband might have!) Your smaller clothes look positively tiny – “Was I really that thin three months ago?” You look for a reason – “Maybe it’s my hormones…” According to your husband now you have “a gorgeous curvy bottom” instead of a pert one. You consider moving to Tonga where you fancy that you will be regarded as slim but there is another solution…

Firstly, one has to be brave and muster up the courage to actually stand on the scales, which you have brought out of hiding. This must be done in the morning, after visiting the loo and before taking in any food or drink. A word of advice, before looking at the reading think of a number seven pounds in excess of your worst fears so that you’ll cope better with finding you are already in that sector – that way you’ll feel that it could have been worse. Having moved the scales around to the most favourable position, at last you accept that the scales are not at fault. Fortunately, the shock from the unpleasant experience reduces your appetite and you are ready to embark on a strict diet of protein and vegetables – no bread, potatoes or anything nice – which you have found is the only way you can lose weight these days.

On the first day you eat a small bowl of All Bran with skimmed milk for breakfast, two grilled rashers of bacon and a grilled tomato for lunch, and a small steak and salad for dinner. The next morning you are thrilled – you’ve lost a pound! You eat exactly the same all day but with the addition of a half a banana at breakfast. The following morning you have gained three pounds – you are now seven pounds in excess of your worst fears and it couldn’t be worse. You decide to forgo the half-banana in future.

Exercise helps greatly. Hard physical jobs about the house and garden are a boon. The need to paint the railings up all those steps is a Godsend. You work hard, bending and stretching at every opportunity, while adhering to the diet almost to the letter – no bread, no potatoes, nothing nice (except for a small lapse, twice – an orange and a nectarine) – and you watch the scales avidly, sometimes three times a day, for any change. For four days the reading stays the same. Do you give up? No you keep at it in the belief that one morning there will be a drastic loss.

Eventually, after a week, you stand on those scales and know for sure there has been a genuine weight loss… You are excited. What will the figure be? That, readers, is how to lose one pound in weight. The goal may be a long wait.