I’ve seen a lot of things in my time but today… well… my goodness… I could hardly believe my eyes! There I was, cycling happily along with Chris – we had just come off the bridle path, onto the main road at Dawlish Warren (which is our local holiday resort for campers, caravanners and holiday chalet-goers) – and there were not too many people around because most children have gone back to school this week; when I couldn’t help but notice a lady with a small child. The woman wasn’t particularly old, in her fifties or early sixties perhaps, not an age group one would necessarily associate with fashion faux pas, if indeed, one could call what she wore a fashion at all. And yet, she must have bought that outfit from somewhere… but definitely not together.

Now I’m not a great fan of leggings myself, and nor am I a follower of fashion or a trend-setter (I like a comfy pair of shorts on summer days, even if I do have chubby legs), but even so, I have an idea of what does and does not go together. Surely leggings are designed to be worn underneath a longer garment? To be honest, I was so taken aback that I cannot even be certain that the opaque white monstrosities on the woman’s legs were leggings – they might have been white tights! Worse still, she wore a thin white stretchy vest on her top half… and had it tucked into the top of the tights/leggings. The lady would have looked peculiar even if she had been ultra-slim but she was not. Sadly, she must have weighed nearly twenty stones, every ounce of which was on full display (as were her pants and bra, barely veiled under the taut lycra-mix material). She was no shrinking violet either, for her hair was dyed a letter-box red, making her head look like a warning beacon.

Now that I come to think about it, I recall seeing a photograph in the paper recently of a famous pop star wearing only a pink bra and black see-through tights as she arrived off a plane at Heathrow. That must be it… the “Michelin-Man” style, middle-aged fashionista was emulating her idol – Lady Gaga! Or maybe she has simply gone a bit gaga…

As you have probably guessed, by my recent very short or non-existent blog posts, I’ve been otherwise occupied having a wonderful time with visitors, first friends, and now family – in the form of our number one child, James, and his girlfriend. I was hoping to catch up with you yesterday but instead I went on a Porch family (minus all children – they were away camping) outing to Lustleigh, a pretty village on the edge of Dartmoor. Funnily enough, I rather missed the sound of our little ones playing and tormenting one another (they always remind me of the old “Giles Cartoons” – do you remember the irascible granny in her black coat and hat with feathers, and the children up to their tricks?). However, I’m only mentioning this in passing to account for my absence, sorry. I was going to write about the meaning of a box of nothing, which of course means a great deal or there would be nothing to write about, but a look in my “spam” email box changed my mind…

In a world where selfishness and lack of respect abound isn’t is refreshing to open an email from a doctor (Dr Abbas Mohamed sellam, to be exact – oh, I always trust a doctor!) and find that you are addressed as “Dear respected friend”? He began, “I bring to you a warm, and cordial greetings from Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso. It’s very true that we don’t know each other very well…”  Does it sound familiar? Has he written to you too? I hope not because he wants me to become his business partner and share in the $1,700,000 legacy of “a businessman/politician who died in an auto crash with his wife, and three children” (it’s an ill wind that blows nobody any good!). All I have to do is give the good doctor (who works for “the United Bank for Africa PLC, Burkina Faso, West Africa as a Director of operations in the foreign remittance department”) my name, occupation, life history, bank account details, passport details, current photos, address, phone numbers, name of mother, father, granny, children, friends and blog readers… Yes, I was excited, especially as he promised he would “no cheat” me out of 50%.

Luckily, I noticed another email in the same “spam” issue for today; it was entitled, “From Mr Vitor Gaspar – Please, very URGENT!!!!” Only a Mr and not a doctor – still, this chap had a better offer 40% of $9,000,000 (as a result of a “Ghastly auto-motor accident – no heirs or next of kins” – and he is the manager of accounting at Africa Development Bank. Naturally, I must “treat this business with utmost confidentiality…” and send every detail about myself so that my identity may be stolen.

Now don’t be concerned, I didn’t gasp at Mr Grasper’s proposal – he won’t be Vitorious – and I didn’t buy into Dr Abbacus Sellam’s tally of accounts; I simply laughed because it’s the way he tells ‘m.

And here are some photos of Lustleigh….